Life, living, and years of both, often have a way of permitting us to see the ‘Big Picture’.
Many times we find ourselves seeking guidance and/or advice from Friends, Family members, and of course loved ones, about many things to say the least. The ones I wish to delve into this day are the advice we seek about other people, be they Friends, Family, or Loved ones.
So many times we feel the need or desire to seek input about situations that might currently exist in our lives and as a rule, we typically lean towards someone that will, more often than not, be sympathetic to our perspective. Really, consider asking your vegetarian friend for advice on the type of meat your going to purchase for the party your having, wouldn’t it be illogical to seek advice from them, being vegetarians, versus your other friend that is a master of the barbecue grill in his/her neighborhood?
With this thought process in mind, whether your aware of it or not, the same principle applies when we seek personal advice on other people, we gravitate towards someone that can ‘Relate’ to our thought processes in regards to the specific matter at hand. Yes that would appear to be a tad biased, but it is the way we work, again, more often than not.
The larger problem to this concept is simple, rarely do we take into consideration exactly what ramifications will exist because of our pursuing efforts to resolve what ever it is that might be troubling our minds at the time. So we start out with a touch of selfishness, with a slight mix of self pity in there at times. Therein lies the larger of the issues that can hinder another’s thoughts or perspectives on another person. This IS inevitable, since when you start your query to me or anyone else, about an issue, thought, or concern of another. in some way shape or form, you are spreading your negative thoughts about someone else and tainting that friend with negative thoughts about someone they already know, or might never have a desire of knowing after they hear your discourse that is.
If you came to me and started asking how I would feel if my wife did what yours was doing and how annoyed you were/are with her because of it. then proceed to complain about the things that transpired as a result of her actions of which you have already made obvious that you deplore or at the very least are annoyed by. Then I will, being the good friend I am to you, start sharing your sentiments, if I am unable to help you reason with logic that is, and the next time I see your wife, these thoughts will be sitting in the back of my mind as I wonder, How could she?.
The only thing that might get resolved is your feelings might be somewhat assuaged at this point because I was able to help you see things more clearly, or you have created another person that shares your sentiments and unfairly put another person in alignment with your views about your ill thoughts and discontentment with your wife. While it does sound convoluted and maybe it should be. It really is simple. Your getting your better feeling having discussed what perturbs you while another is thrown under the bus – so to speak – at your expense.
Situations might often be better resolved if they were all queried as hypothetical scenarios. It is and can be totally unfair for me to complain about another person to you or anyone else. Since the minute I do – you will either side with me – try to rationalize with me or simply tell me I don’t know what the heck I am talking about and I should stand down, which is rarely the case, as we already know better than to go to a person with an opposing thought process. So to sate my desire for another’s perspective, I have thrown them under the proverbial bus for my own emotional comfort.
Let me reiterate a thought about reason; Ayn Rand once said something about reason that holds a world of truth to it;
“Reason is NOT automatic. Those who deny it, cannot be defeated by it”
I am not sure if that is a verbatim quote, but the point is simple, we are not born with reason, and if we cannot accept reason as a viable solution, it will never be one.
By complaining to you about my wife, friend, child, parent, I am giving and projecting my own negative thoughts and opinions about same to you. At which point, (you)the listener, more often than not, will tend to fall right in line with the speaker and begin to share some of the same negative thoughts and feelings about that person. Even if you’ve never met them.
While a reasonable person might try to help the speaker keep things in perspective, the speaker’s persistence, often tries to convince the naysayer of their own views thereby attempting to change the listener’s views to align with their own.
Now I will try to tell you about some – in my perspective – negative things that my spouse has done, you haven’t met them, yet. I will of course, fail to mention all of the great things they have done, as well as the reasons I was so fond of them in the first place, since the only thing I am dwelling on right now, is what I am perceiving to be a thorn in my side due to my perspective of current events. Your first take on my respective other is now based solely on the negative thoughts that have already been projected to you – Oh My Goodness – your spouse talked to someone of the opposite sex, for an hour, about personal things? GOODNESS GRACIOUS! How dare they. Oh but I guess I forgot to mention it was about how to raise our kids and address a certain situation. Not to mention they only discussed it with you because you are one of my best friends, and I was off hanging out with my friends the day the kids did what they did that merited the query in the first place. There are always mitigating circumstances that will be omitted during the quest for emotional support. Which in turn will leave you with a bad perspective of my respective other because I was selfish enough to share only half of the truth in order to get you to lean my way in your thinking of my spouse and their actions.
Are you familiar with the old saying that the grass is always greener?
We’ll get to that point in a few, but for now consider this, You are who you are today, because of EVERYTHING that has happened in your life up to today. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Every great thing that has happened to you, every sad thing, and everything else in the middle, has contributed to creating you as you are today.
Okay, its been a few months since I was able to continue on with this topic, though I assure you, my mind is constantly pondering the proper vernacular that will permit me to most accurately express my realizations and thoughts of which I am so eager to do.
Love, affection and other needs that we most all have and often attempt to move mountains in order to achieve. These are the premises for the following shared perceptions and of course realizations.
A number of years back, in another trying time in life, though at the time, life actually seemed like it was going fine, I started to realize an inner urge, maybe even desire that I had oft overlooked – intentionally of course. Infatuation, which many of us experience, realized or not. Yet there are really many facets of infatuation that can be broken down, once the time is taken to do so. If not, we often have the ability to misunderstand the emotions that we are experiencing and this can lead to some very troubling situations.
Companionship, respect,heck even plain genuine interest – directed at a person, can offer a great many comforts – but we tend to notice them more-so when things in life are not always as , ummm as satisfying, as we might wish they were. Its funny – cause being a man – well, let me share this little tidbit(scene) from a funny show(IMO)-The Big Bang Theory – While I wont’ quite paint the scene in its entirety – I think I can and will be able to get the point across;
On the show there are a few -funny- geeks – and a few ladies as well. In this particular episode – Billy Bob Thornton portrays – the everyman – in some extremes. He is customer of one of the ladies on the show – a pharmaceutical sales lady. Well during one of their meetings – she does try to sell, so she might come off being nicer than needed, to get the sale of course. Well I can’t remember his exact words – but he has a philosophy that if a woman touches him for more than X amount of seconds, it means she is interested in him. The episode goes on like that and of course she finally realizes she has mislead him, wherein she must apologize and reiterate that she is involved with another etc… Finally accepting this as reality – the show goes on – and within a short time – another one of the ladies in the show puts her hand on his arm to explain something or other and he starts counting, one mississippi two mississippi… – wherein he starts the same process over – and it is quite funny – cause as a man – we say – and often think this way in many situations – specially when things are going awry(seemingly) in our lives at the moment. So I can almost promise – that every time a woman smiles at a man – they often take it personally and again – more-so when things in life are going tough. So the check out girl at the store – asking if there is anything else and offering that lovely smile – in our heads – we think – She wants me! If a lady friend extends sympathy – Oh you must be tired after doing that tough job – etc… She wants me! Offering a gift os the red apples you like so much – simply because she remembered – and she was there getting some – so she bought a bag for you and your family – or even just for you – it was only because – She wants me! There are so many situations – that in our minds – we can apply those alleged FACTs – as we see them, that I won’t try to list them all, but of this I can be certain, at least 95% of the times we(well most of us men) think it, we are dead wrong.
So I guess this is where the infatuation can be a problem – when we are certain(in our own minds – because remember – we think, She wants me!), that these conditions are actually advances – we permit ourselves and our minds to wander – and often times in the most very wrong ways. To have cognizance of this fact is important – but when we are not being happy – with our lives – spouses etc… – we let our minds create an imagined reality, mostly to our detriment, so any awareness of reality goes out the window – and our thoughts become our reality.
These days, when a woman smiles at me – I am – more often than not – able to say in my head – she wants me – and laugh it off – as I for one – don’t and shouldn’t care if she did – secondly – if you pay closer attention – you realize that the person is extending the same kindnesses to everyone she deals with in similar situations – but at the same time – it is so nice to receive a genuine smile from someone – as well as an expressed appreciation for a job we did or something that we were complimented on, and we try to savor these moments – specially during trying, emotional times in our lives. So it is nice to enjoy the moments – even amuse one self that – yep – she wants me! but we should never let ourselves, nor try to convince ourselves that it really is a reality – we need to keep our minds in check – and realize more often than not – it is simply infatuation when we let our minds go too far with our desirous thoughts, because she probably doesn’t really want you, per se. Chances are – she is simply a kind person just being herself – go figure.
After awhile – you realize – IS the grass really greener – or are you just thinking that it is – I had a dear cousin that taught me to look at many different sides to as many situations as possible – but one aspect of that thought profess is simply – instead of looking at all the greatness that a person might project – and how wonderful life might be to be with them instead – try looking for all the wrong things about that person that after time might actually rub you the wrong way. Once you get over and actually stand in the greener grass – it is then that you realize that it has bumps all over it – or there are ants throughout the yard – or how burned the edges are – but you just couldn’t see all of that from where you were standing – cause it did look so nice in the beginning.
We seem to condition ourselves to overlook the simple things at times – but it is not in the neighbors yard you should be overlooking things – it is in your own yard – Why did you fall in love with the one you are with – why do you not act, or treat them the way you used to – what was it you loved the most etc.. Do you really need to be such a dope when the reality of it is, she should be mad if you yelled at her for nothing – or crashed the car – or insulted her hair or outfit or simply did anything rude – as more thank likely – you would possibly have the same feelings if things were reversed. Of course I am not saying that every situation is solvable with the application of these simple thought processes, but I would venture to say that most situations could benefit if a person were to try to see things a bit differently. oh yea, and stay out of the neighbors yard or you might end up tracking them ants into your yard and ruining that one too!
So much more to add – as it does help to empty ones brains now and again – but in time it will happen – more thoughts etc… will come, as will I back to this screen to unload them here.